Big City Diner

Some beverages to start the meal.


Lisa and her Ramen.


My Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades.


Fried Calamari


Fries


Chili


Kim Chee Fried Rice Loco Moco

Morning Coffee in Waikiki

Ham and Cheese Croissant from Saint Germain Bakery.

You know you're either having a great time or things have really gone awry when you're feeling crushed in the morning from last nights' partying. And while you'd prefer to sleep in bed longer, the six hour time difference causes tremendous jet lag and your body is screaming to wake up even thought you're still incredibly tired.

Time to get some coffee.

From our 15th floor roost at the Acqua Waikiki Wave hotel the view is magnificent. The slopes of the Ko'olau mountains to the right dotted with expensive homes (that once used to cost $300K) and the urban ghetto that is Waikiki below our feet. And Waikiki is just that: a tourist ghetto.


Tilly, Michelle and Polly in search of coffee.

At the corner of Kuhio and Seaside Avenues, and backing up to the grotesque International Marketplace, our hotel is smack dab in the middle of Waikiki - and it's making me depressed. Depressed because this is what most people come to think Hawai'i is all about. It's dirty, seedy and a facade of what Hawai'i is really about. Ever since my days driving tourists for Roberts Hawaii, it's always made me sad that so many tourists come to Waikiki and think that's what Hawai'i and O'ahu is all about.

But tourist depression aside, I'm in need of coffee and a little nourishment. Luckily, my favorite Japanese-style bakery Saint Germain has set up an outpost next door to the hotel. For those of you unfamiliar, these Japanese-style bakeries typically make some truly fantastic French-inspired breads. My favorite is the plain, old white bread that's crusty with a springy, spongy interior that crisps beautifully in the toaster. Spread on some butter and allow it to penetrate into the crevices and it's true baked perfection.

We make a quick pit stop to pick up a couple of handheld breakfast pastries: ham and cheese croissant, almond croissant and something custard filled. And while it would have been nice to have enjoyed our coffee with the baked goods, they just didn't make it that long.


My way too foamy cappuccino at Honolulu Coffee Company.

The Honolulu Coffee Company has been around for quite some time and the original owner was pretty obsessed with offering a quality product in nice environs. The Waikiki shop, located in the former Alfred Dunhill shop in the Sheraton Moana Surfrider Hotel is a really nice-looking coffeeshop with rich wood textures, open windows and a Kees Van Der Westen Mistral three group espresso machine. My last visit here didn't leave me with very positive feelings about this shop. But promises of quality coffee in the land of my second home are few and far between and Honolulu Coffee was our best bet.

The girls aren't exactly hardcore coffee aficionados, as evidenced by their choice of the Iced Nutty Hawaiian Latte - a Starbuckian concoction of espresso, milk and hazelnut syrup over ice. It's not bad as far as flavored lattes go and they sucked them down pretty hard. A bit too sweet and syrupy for my tastes though.

I went with something a bit more traditional: a cappuccino. Of course, the problem with these kinds of places is that they offer three sizes of cappuccinos. Still, in this day and age of "enlightened" coffee professionals, there are those who still follow this arcane and disrespecting practice. I had to make sure they understood that I wanted the "smallest" cappuccino possible and that I would have it "for here."


Michelle and the Iced Nutty Hawaiian Latte.

Watching the practices of a shop is more than telling. The barista still follows the "I must clack the lever of my grinder as loud as possible" mantra that's so popular amongst modern-day baristas. It's a pretty busy shop so they grind slightly ahead of their demand - not exactly the ideal approach but they seem to pound through the coffee so it's not so much of a concern.

From there it's sixty-four ounce steam pitchers and a general lack of cleanliness when it comes to the pitchers. They maybe have two - and they're in constant use without being washed out. How do I know this? There's that telltale buildup of old steamed milk forming on the inside of the pitcher. Wiping and keeping your steam wands is a step in the right direction but that old mil crusting inside the pitcher is not.


Tilly hides from the peering eyes of a frustrated coffee professional.

And while the steaming technique looks pretty good and they're attempting latte art, when it comes to my cappuccino there's no preheating of the cup and the barista dumps the milk into the cup pouring off the side of the pitcher to get more of the foam into the cup.

Unfortunately, "cappuccino" here seems to mean "more foam." Just make a drink with a lot of foam and you're done. My cup is half foam. The delicate balance between espresso, milk and foam is gone - obliterated by a preponderance of foam. As far as foam goes, it's not half bad. It's slightly sweet, not too hot, microbubbles and has nice texture without being dry. Add a bit of sugar and the drink is actually okay. But it's only "okay", with a little more thought, effort and adoption of standards, this could easily have been a "killer" cappuccino. Instead, it's merely okay and that's a shame.


Saint Germain Bakery Waikiki
2301 Kuhio Ave., Unit 117A
Honolulu, HI 96815
808-924-4305
www.stghi.com


Honolulu Coffee Company
Sheraton-Waikiki Hotel
2255 Kalakaua Avenue
Honolulu, HI 96815
808-923-8181
www.honolulucoffee.com

I Am A Golden God

The Volcano

Nikki and Neil are getting married and by tomorrow I will probably be dead.

Traveling with friends is a very rare treat and after our first night in Honolulu perhaps it's better that way.

Our journey started in Los Angeles yesterday morning with an upgrade to first class with Michelle. The thing that always gets my goat is that domestic first class is nothing compared to international first. Sure it's nicer seats and nicer service but it's not the same as international. Not to mention the fact that United has gotten cheap and just dropped the ice cream cart service last month. No more fresh Haagen Dazs ice cream. The friendly skies sucks.

But drinks in first class are free and Michelle and I proceeded to slosh ourselves straight across the Pacific while the rest of our friends were herded into the cattle car. Perhaps we should have just sat in the back with our friends. You know, taken one for the team but the reality is that the lure of first class and going into the back to visit with the common folk was just too powerful.

At least we're a benevolent Lord and Lady who tried to bring our friends in steerage a taste of our mai tais.

For our first night, we've camped out at the Waikiki Wave Hotel on Kuhio Street. It's a boutique hotel that's really quite nice. For $169/night we've got a spacious room with three queen beds and a party pad. Our flight was delayed for two hours so we didn't get situated and rolling until 8pm.

First stop was to visit The Bob where he has been recently gifted with a Volcano. I was first introduced to the Volcano last year at Alinea where they used the device to create juniper vapors that wafted out from a pillow during one of the courses. At The Bob's Bachelor Pad, our experience with the Volcano was less Grant Achatz and more Harold & Kumar. The surprise of the experience was the strong taste of popcorn.

From there, it was time to eat. First stop: Dave's Famous Ice Cream where they make truly amazing Haupia, Ube and Green Tea ice cream in-house. Sweet, delicate, delicious, I couldn't get enough. But ice cream doesn't make for a complete meal and nothing will substitute than Zippy's.

On the island of O'ahu, no restaurant satiates the local hunger like Zippy's. It's sort of a Hawiian Denny's that specializes in fast food and plate lunches that fill the local cravings. And while everyone has their favorites at Zippy's, for me it's the Holy Trinity of steamed white rice, fried chicken and chili that absolutely rocks my world.

They're taking a long time to fill our order at the Kaimuki Zippy's but it's worth the wait. The chicken is juicy and tender while being wonderfully crisp. The chili is perfectly balanced between the beef and the beans, and with cheese, onions and a liberal application of Tabasco, it's sublime. Paired with a large cup of Lilikoi juice (passion fruit) and nothing beats it. In fact, Anna and the girls order new menu item: Korean Fried Chicken but the regular fried chicken trumps the Korean. Next time we're gonna order the chicken barrel.

It's at this point that my night gets blurry. A combination of travel, fatigue, alcohol, food and The Volcano has brought me to the edge, and pushed me off. Muneko and Lisa are calling to head over the house in Hawaii Kai to party. Neil and friends are on their way to our place to drink and partake of the Volcano. The only sane person in my world at this point is Shellie, who's decided to stay home tonight instead of coming over. We're on a roller coaster ride and I need to get off.

When we get back to our pad, I'm done. Toasted. Burnt. Finished. Kaput. The Bob has brought along the Volcano. Christian has a case of Stella Artois and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I can't hang. I must hide. My vision is blurry. I imagine that this is what Tony Bourdain must feel like. I need to be done but in this condition, sleeping is not a simple matter. It's a fit of starts and stops. Everyone is still partying. The volcano is erupting. I'm hiding.

This morning is a dizzying recovery. After a few minutes, I'm lucid once again. From our fifteenth floor pad, I can see the Ko'olau Range covered in showers and the sun poking out from the east. It's beautiful. I moved to Hawaii almost exactly twenty years ago and for the life of me, I can't imagine why I ever left.

The wedding is on Saturday. DJ Un-G arrives today. My brother arrives tomorrow. We've gone balls to the wall and we haven't met up with all of our friends yet. I'm scared. I'm terrified. But I'm loving every minute of it.

Zippy's

Gerry and the Zip Pack.

Foodies across the world may revolt. Nadine Kam (the Honolulu Star-Bulletins' food critic) may stop talking to me. Worshippers of Alan Wong and Chef Mavro might burn me in effigy, but to me, there Zippy's Chili is the definition of local, Hawaii cuisine.

Nothing else compares. It's a delicate balance of meat, beans and spice. Not too much, not too little. Just right. It's not the in yer face kind of chili so popular on the mainland, it's subdued. It's balanced. It melds beautifully with rice. It's a mix of American and Asian tastes. It's perfection. If you could only eat one dish to sample Hawaii's cuisine, it should be Zippy's Chili.

I'm so fanatical about Zippy's Chili that I once spent $80 to have some shipped to me in Maryland. It is quite simply food that inspires passion.


Zippy's Chili with cheese and onions.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't fine dining. It's barely even "fast casual" dining. This is down-home, in your gut, cuddle up with a girl, comfort food. It's not meant to be fancy. It has no pretense. It's just something that tastes good, warms your heart (perhaps clogging it too) and fills your soul.

We've come to Zippy's after a day of reckless endangerment and we must eat. For me, the perfect accompaniment to the chili is their fried chicken. Zippy's, with an eye on satisfying the soul and ignoring health, only uses thigh meat for their fried chicken. It's tender, juicy, crispy and oh so delicious. That juicy crunch of chicken paired with a spoonful of chili and rice - it's unbelievable. I must have more.


Fried Chicken Mini Plate with fries and scoop mac salad.


Korean Chicken plate.

Riding In Planes With Girls

Michelle's hot nuts and the first of many mai tais.

I travel quite a bit during the course of year and most of that travel is done completely alone, which absolutely sucks.

Sure, there have been a few highlights over the years, but usually it's just hours and hours of silence sitting next to strangers while trying to occupy yourself with the movie selection, a magazine or the iPod. Fun and interesting conversations are the rarity.

Which is why I routed my trip to Honolulu to coincide with that of my friends. At least I would have someone to fly with and even if we were separated, at least I would know people on the plane.


Mixed Salad with Javanese Dressing.

The problem is that airlines like United make asinine choices to fly aircraft like the 757 and 767 to Hawaii. Gone are the days when 747s and DC-10s ruled the skies. Just cram everyone into these small planes and make 'em fit. Once upon a time, flying to Hawaii on United sucked because it was a seniority route that boasted the surliest flight attendants. Today, flying to Hawaii on United sucks because it's just a generally shitty experience compounded by the fact that the planes are overbooked and overfilled.

Which is why I prefer to opt for an upgrade to first class.

Now I know many of you may be thinking that first class really is flying First Class. It's not. Yes, it is better service than what you experience in steerage. Your alcoholic beverages are free. Meals are free. You board at your leisure. And you get to use real silverware.


Mango Cheesecake

But all is not that pleasant in the friendly skies. Once upon a time in United First to Hawaii they actually had linen tablecloths. And multi-course meals. And a meat cart upon which you selected a fresh cut of beef. They even had a Haagen Dazs ice cream sundae cart. Back then they had champagne service and mimosas during the boarding process to entice you to sit early, relax and enjoy the flight.

Today, all of that is gone. Just plastic trays filled with food with cold, hard bread and disgusting whipped corn oil posing as butter.

What's that you say? I'm complaining while you're suffering in the cattle car? Okay, true but I would like to see domestic first class be at least equivalent to international business class where the seats are more comfortable, the amenities more plentiful and they still use white linens.


Filet of Beef with Au Gratin Potatoes and Grilled Asparagus

The choice was at hand: upgrade to first and sit alone with grumpy first class passengers or wedge myself into the misery that is economy to Hawaii with the rest of my friends. United we stand, divided we fall.

I would like to tell you that I took one for the team and joined my friends. That I was a good friend and didn't let them take it in the neck by themselves. That I stood by my comrades. But I can't. When the option to upgrade came my way, I took it. And left them behind the blue curtain in the process. I feel ashamed.

Okay, no I don't.

At the last minute, Michelle decided to cash in her miles and fly out to Hawaii for the weekend. From Washington, D.C.. She arranged to fly on the same flight as the rest of us and, like me, she also decided to let our friends take it in the neck by upgrading to first class.

Michelle and I are similar in many ways. Flying first class isn't so much the whole "see and be seen" scene as much as it is just a small measure to pad us from the horrors of life. It's not all Maybach and Mansions. Just a few luxuries here and there to ease the burden of la puta vida.


Ever the benevolent Lord and Lady, we visit with our friends in cattle.

To celebrate our good fortune, we start off with a mai tai cocktail. Maybe it's because I used to live in Hawaii and think it's touristy cheesy, but I have an aversion to mai tais. But the mood is right and I give it a try. It's good. Damn good. Actually, it's pretty darn fantastic. Prior to my trip I made a conscious decision to maintain sobriety this trip. Enraptured in the moment, I make a conscious decision to use moderation.

But those mai tais are too good to resist and we spend the entire trip across the Pacific downing them. I lose track of the actual number, but I think it hovers somewhere around eight. Whatever the number, we drank enough to bring a question to the minds of our flight attendants. Happily, we're not belligerent drinkers. We just get more friendly.

However, like all good things on United, they must come to an end. Once the airline depletes it's current inventory of mai tai mix, they will stop carrying it altogether. In fact, they just eliminated the ice cream sundae cart in July. Less amenities and more cost - not to mention that most people have to pay for their checked baggage? Bastards.

Oh well, I guess there are more barbaric ways of traveling to Hawaii.



One too many mai tais?

Ruby's Dinette - LAX

Baby Ian on his first trip to Hawaii.

Our adventure begins at LAX where we experienced something called a "code" at the TSA security checkpoint. During these "codes" everyone must stand perfectly still. Why? I don't know, but I was standing there waiting for something to explode. Happily, nothing happened and we were on our way following Benjamin Bratt and Talisa Soto with one too many luggages.

Maybe it's the celebrity thing, or maybe it's a parent thing, but those guys were loaded down with baggage. I suspect it's the former because Anna managed to pack everything for her, Christian and Ian in one bag.


Bacon Cheeseburger - only $9.49.

Other than the rather odd experience of riding in a cab with a Russian-Armenian taxi driver who absolutely needed to blast Russian techno music the whole way there, and the near-miss from the absent bomber at the TSA checkpoint, things were going well. I'm enjoying the rare opportunity to travel with friends and our flight is two hours late.


Onion Rings

Tilly and Gerry are flying in from Baltimore and Michelle is flying in from Washington DC. Our rendezvous point is here at LAX, but since we're hungry we camp out at Ruby's Dinette close to gate 60. Ruby's is a fifties style diner and the food is pretty good. The prices are typical airport "ream you in the butt" prices but at least it's freshly prepared and actually tasty.

As our crew slowly gathers from across the nation, we add more chairs and add more food. Soon, there's burgers, fries and onion rings covering the table. My bacon cheeseburger is pretty good but what I'm really excited about are the onion rings. To be honest, there's nothing overly special about them other than the fact that they're perfectly crisp, satisfyingly crunchy and, most importantly, the onion breaks away when you take a bite - it doesn't pull out like a string leaving you with a battered shell. Douse it with ketchup and it has everything I could ever want from an onion ring.


Tilly shoots.

Father's Office

The Bacon Cheeseburger with Fries.

When you're flying into L.A. for the night and a lovely girl offers to pick you up at the airport and take you out to dinner, you don't say 'no'.

I met Liz at a wedding this past April and we hit it off right away. WItty, sarcastic, intelligent and sexy with a wicked sense of humor. She's about as warped in the mind as I am, which means an evening of barbed comments, innuendo and some delicious food with cool weather and what else can you ask for?

We find ourselves at the new Father's Office in Culver City. The original is somewhere in Santa Monica and I had heard a lot of good things about their burgers and we both wanted to check it out. It's a nice, almost club-like atmosphere with dim lighting, velvet ropes, open air architecture and a general atmosphere of hip sexuality. Toss in some women, alcohol and meat eating and the potentials are endless.

Ordering is simple. Just saunter on up to the bar and tell the bartenders your order. The menu is diverse with lots of interesting choices but we decided to stay with the basics: bacon cheeseburger and fries. While you wait, there's a selection of craft beers, wines and mixed drinks to bide your time.

From there, just find a seat and bring the number card with you. The staff will find you and bring you your food when it's ready. Liz grabbed an outside table in the middle of the action. God Bless this woman.

It took maybe fifteen minutes to get out burger and it was nice and tasty. The burger was properly cooked to medium, the bacon crisp, the veggies chilled and fresh. It was a great burger. The fries were those thin shoestring type that I find too similar to Durkee Potato Sticks for my taste but they were good too. Personally speaking, I prefer thicker cut fries with a snappy crisp and textured center.

We lingered for awhile, soaking up the atmosphere and enjoying the cool, Hollywood-esque vibe before heading out into the night.

Pancit

iPhone Home

I'm leaving on a two week trip to Los Angeles and Hawaii and I'm leaving my beloved iBook at home.

I know for many not traveling with a laptop is no big deal, but I haven't left home without a laptop in tow for almost ten years. How will I remain in communicado with the rest of the world? How will I make hotel reservations? More importantly: how will I surf for porn in lonely hotel rooms?

The answer is: iPhone. That unique little device that I'm going to give a full run for its' money over the next two weeks. I'll report more later.

Roy's Hawaiian Fusion

Julie working the line.

While eating seasoned crustaceans on the Magothy Crab Deck, Kate and I got into a discussion about Hawaiian fresh fish. Specifically, that I should take Roy D's boat, go fishing and bring the fish back home with me. A nice idea but a logistical nightmare - especially when it's relatively easy me to order fish shipped overnight from Hawaii. Just a few phone calls and that ahi tuna will be here tomorrow, but it won't be cheap.

As our discussion progressed to types of fishes available in Hawaii, one of them pushed to the front of the line: the butterfish. What does it taste like? Well, that's an easy fix. We'll just go over to Roy's later.

Which is how we found ourselves at Roy's on a Sunday night after lunch at Magothy Seafood and early evening cheesesteak at Jeno's. As expected at 8pm, the house was bustling. Both the Chef Rey, and his sous Mike are friends of mine. In fact, I've known Mike for over fifteen years. He's a recent addition to the lineup here at Roy's but neither of them are anywhere in sight.



Maryland Crab & Smoked Salmon Roll - smoked salmon wrapped around blue crab with dill creme fraiche.

I called Mike to ask where he was. Of course, the one night I do come in to eat, both of them are off. Happily, Kate spots Julie working the line so we at least know one person here as we take a couple of seats at the bar fronting the theatre-style kitchen.

Kate's in the mood for "bubbles" and we start off with a round of Domaine Chandon Rose. Since we've been eating non-stop for the past six hours, our intention is to order a couple of dishes to share and sample the flavors. I don't know if Mike called the house or not but within minutes, a couple of appetizers "courtesy of the chef" arrive, along with a bowl of edamame.

The sushi roll of Maryland Crab and smoked salmon was good. A nice balance between the two, along with some sort of crunchiness that we couldn't identify. The steamed pork dumplings were wrapped in a green wrapper that I thought about pondering more but didn't. They were pretty good too.


Steamed Pork & Seafood Dumplings - firecracker dipping sauce.

Had this been another occasion where we hadn't been eating for hours on end, we would have torn through the apps with reckless abandon. But since we had been eating non-stop, we needed to properly pace ourselves for this chapter of our journey.

Next up was the Ahi Poketini, a melange of minced yellowfin tuna, caviar and avocado. To be honest, I'm a poke hog. I love poke. I can't get enough. Give me a big tub of ahi poke and a bowl of steamed rice and I'm very, very happy. For me, my favorite poke is fresh chopped tuna, sliced white onion, a little garlic, soy sauce and sesame oil all mixed together. Roy's version is much more upscale with caviar for saltiness and truffle oil in place of sesame, with the avocado and creme fraiche adding some body and creaminess. It's nice, it's fancy but, as I told Kate, it is in need of a liberal application of soy sauce.

Drizzle a bit of soy sauce and, ah, much better. While the truffle oil is cool and all that, at heart I'm still a Hawaiian food traditionalist.


Edamame

For our main course, we went with the misoyaki butterfish. Years ago, when Roy's first opened, I used to dine there a lot. If not bi-weekly, then at least once a month. I got to know much of the management and staff back in 2001 and 2002. Then I had an experience there with an assistant manager that just confounded me when he told a dining companion that she should not come to a seafood restaurant expecting to eat steak. Granted, this girl was a difficult, demanding Southern Belle Mess who tried our patience all the time, but I couldn't oblige a manager who stood there insulting a customer and insulting his own establishments' food at the same time. I didn't go back for several years.

Throughout that time, the butterfish was one of our favorite dishes. It's rich, creamy and buttery texture is just beautiful and it's covered in a miso slash teriyaki glaze that just compliments it perfectly. The butterfish is definitely the highlight of Roy's menu and this one didn't disappoint. True, the glaze was thinner and drier than I remember, but the texture of the fish was still there. And layered on steamed white rice satisfies my most basic carnal desires (okay, well maybe not exactly carnal).


Big Island Ahi Poketini - wasabi sour cream, avocado & tobiko caviar.

While the butterfish was good, I couldn't help but think that it wasn't as good as I remembered it. Something was missing, I thought. But couldn't it just be that I've hyped the memory in my mind so much that the reality couldn't possibly be the same? Without a doubt.

Sitting there with someone like Kate makes for interesting conversation. Most of my friends think it's cool to watch a kitchen in action, but a pro like Kate can actually appreciate the activity. We could watch and figure out their flow, fascinated by how different and equipped their kitchen is from the one in which she toils. Is that the same rainbow trout special that was sitting there thirty minutes ago? Nah, the imperial crab filling is shaped differently than the one we saw on order earlier. Not that it would have bothered either of us.


Hawaiian Style Misoyaki Butterfish - chinese sizzling soy vinaigrette.

Of all the menu items, the chocolate souffle is my brother's favorite. It's on his "must have" list whenever he eats here. Kate's a chocolate lover, so it was on our list as well. The souffle takes twenty minutes to cook and we told our server at the outset that we were going to order that. Why he wanted to wait until after tbe butterfish to ask our order and fire it was beyond my understanding.

Service wasn't bad. In fact, it was pretty good - with the exception of the very scripted sounding approach describing the menu and the specials that pushed us towards the most expensive items, not to mention the rather brusque manner in which our plates were cleared.


Roy's Melting Hot Chocolate Souffle - flourless chocolate cake with a molten hot center served a la mode.

Finally the souffle came and it was pretty good. Wish I could say it Rocked Our World because these guys are my friends, but it was good. Nicely executed but it wasn't one of those dishes I couldn't help myself from eating. Of course, it could be that we had been eating non-stop all day...


Roy's
720 B Aliceanna Street
Baltimore MD 21202
410-659-0099
www.roysrestaurants.com

Jeno's Steaks

Kate and the Steak.

A simple, lazy Sunday afternoon late lunch at Magothy Seafood just wasn't enough. Well, under normal circumstances it would probably have been enough, but for two people discussing food and in search of flavors more had to be in store.

Not too far from Magothy Seafood is a cheesesteak place in Severna Park owned by some friends of mine. Writing about a place owned by people you know is always kinda odd. What if I don't like their offerings? How will that strain our relationship? But it's too fake to write happy-happy, joy-joy things about these kinds of places, so I won't and I'll suffer whatever consequences may come.

Jeno's has been owned by the same family for a generation. But I've never eaten there. Sure, I've had reheated cheesesteaks at their house before, but it's not going to be the same as eating there in person. And while I've been meaning to eat there for quite some time now, it's just way out of the way for me. Until today.

To the Philadephian, or hardcore Philly Cheesesteak connoisseur, the name Jeno's is a corny take on the famous Geno's Steaks in South Philly, but at least it speaks directly of their pursuit to emulate the authentic Philadelphia Cheesesteak. Even the plethora of pictures and memorabilia on the walls echoes that of Geno's in South Philly.


Going to Town on my steak.

Jeno's is a small place with a galley style kitchen and on this beautiful day, it's sweltering inside. Those cooks are troopers working in that heat. There's a menu of stuff available but there's really no need to pay attention to it, we're here for one reason and one reason only - and that's to try their cheesesteak.

Like a Geno's or Pat's, Jeno's offers a variety of cheeses for your steak. Unlike Geno's or Pat's, they also asked if we wanted lettuce, tomatoes and a host of other toppings. It's a Baltimore sub tradition to layer on the toppings but it sounds like Philly sacrilege to me. No to the toppings and just Whiz, please.

Cheese Whiz. That ubiquitous processed cheese topping. If we really sit down to think about it, cheddar cheese should never be runny. It should never be pourable. It should never be pumped out of a number ten can. If we think about it critically, the notion of Cheese Whiz is disgusting, so let's not think too much about it, shall we? Just lather it on and let's eat.

Pat's uses sliced ribeye for their steaks that are piled high on their griddles to handle the crushing flow of customers coming up to their windows 24 hours a day. Jeno's customer stream isn't that crushing so our steaks are made to order. The flavor of the beef is good, but through the prism of memory it seems different than Pat's or Geno's. Close, but different - and I can't put my finger on exactly why. One thing I do notice is the amount of chop in Jeno's meat. It's more chopped than either Geno's or Pat's. Whether that's good or bad depends on your preference. For me, I prefer the larger pieces in a Pat's Steak.

Now while the cheese and beef are important components in a steak, it's the bread that's the cornerstone. It's crucial and critically essential to have the right bread. Cheesesteak aficionados literally fight in the streets of Philly over which bakery bakes the best bread: Amoroso or Conshohocken. Me? I choose not to get into those kinds of fights. I might lose. But the bread at Jeno's is quite good. Soft and supple on the interior while giving a nice, crusty chew on the outside. It brings the steak together and makes it happen. There's a spring in your mouth from the texture of the bread and it's oh so comforting.

Pundits will want to know if I think Jeno's is as good as those places in Philly. And I'll have to say that it's close. About as close as you're going to get without driving the two hours to Philadelphia (considering it's 45 minutes to Severna Park from my house, I could have been halfway to Pat's). The flavors are good. The bread is solid, but what's lacking is the actual experience of going to either Pat's or Geno's. Going there is the magic.


Now, that's sexy...

Standing in line outside of either in the blistering winter cold, while watching the cooks slash their way through a mountain of ribeye is just amazing. Then there's the intimidation of ordering incorrectly where the cashier will mercilessly berate you in front of throngs of hungry steak lovers. Dawdle too long and those South Philly Boys will kick you out to the back of the line so you can practice your ordering skills.

That's the real magic that makes the Philly Cheesesteak experience, not the actual steak itself. And while Jeno's steak is quite good, it's missing the South Philly experience that makes Geno's or Pat's the great cheesesteak.


Jeno's Steaks
552 Baltimore-Annapolis Blvd.
Severna Park, MD 21146
410-544-1416
www.jenossteaks.com

Magothy Seafood Crab Deck & Tiki Bar

Freshly steamed blue crabs on the Crab Deck.

After months of on again, off again planning, Kate and I finally hit the road in search of our destiny together. What started as an idea for guinea pig back in December culminated in a crab outing in August.

The weather couldn't have been better for a trip to my favorite place to eat crabs. Magothy Seafood is set right on the banks of the Magothy River in Anne Arundel County. It's not a quick trip from home, but it certainly is worth it. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I stumbled upon Magothy Seafood several years ago and I've been going ever since.

The setting is decidedly maritime and decidedly lowbrow. Nonetheless, it's a fun scene where boaters pull up along the dock, have some crabs and knock back some beers before heading back out onto the open waterways.


Steamed shrimp with hot and sour sauce and crab seasoning.

It's been a tough year for Maryland crabbing. Because of industrial and agricultural runoff, the Chesapeake Bay is nearly a barren mistress no longer capable of supplying the region from its' once-rich bosom. Most of the crabs that Marylanders eat today come from The Gulf of Mexico or Asia. It's a sad testament to the postwar industrial power that is the United States. Crabs that actually come from the Chesapeake Bay and its' tributaries won't start coming in until September and October when they've had some time to eat and fatten.

Today's crabs are from the Gulf coast. Probably Louisiana. They're decently sized "large" crabs (though these would have barely qualified as "medium" crabs when I was in high school) that are weighty with sweet meat.

Happily, Kate is an eaters kind of woman. Decidedly hip. Decidedly fashionable. She's not afraid to throw down with the boys in drinking or eating, willing to eat just about anything and can cook her ass off on the hot line of a commercial kitchen. Yep, decidedly sexy too.

There's no "I'll just have a salad" with this girl. Not even the "I don't like seafood" that I've been hearing from other girls lately. Remember, this is the girl who wanted to eat Peruvian guinea pig. If there's something interesting to eat, she's ready for it. And in an era where most girls barely know how to microwave a Slim Fast meal in pursuit of the emaciated look hyped by America's Next Top Model, this is a refreshing change of pace.



Fried oysters and battered fries.

The game is on. It's a dozen steamed crabs, one pound of steamed jumbo shrimp, two corn on the cobs, order of hush puppies and a basket of fried oysters and french fries, all washed down with a steady stream of Diet Pepsi (for me) and Budweisers (for Kate).

The food is good. We're hacking, pounding and prying our way through the meal. Everything is cooked just right. The shrimps are steamed right to the point where they're cooked so the shell peels easily away. The hush puppies have that crunchy snap you knew when you were a kid. Even the frozen oysters are fried to a golden crisp. The only problem is the abomination against humanity that is the seasoned and battered french fry. Why anyone would ever deign to blight a potato (even a frozen one) with that grotesque seasoned batter is beyond me. Someday I'm gonna find the food scientist who developed this frozen monstrosity and hunt him down.

The crabs themselves are meaty and sweet. Since I grew up around these parts, the idea of ripping apart and eating a steamed crustacean is second nature. I can dream about it and do it in my sleep. Of course, the uninitiated this seems like barbarianism defined. And perhaps it is - especially for those who prefer not to know where their food came from nor what it looked like. If you're the kind of person who prefers your food shrink wrapped in plastic then perhaps eating crabs will not be for you.




Hush Puppies

As you glance around the room, you'll notice different people ripping apart their crabs in different ways. Some like to start by tearing the top shell off. Some will rip the legs off first. Others, like me, will start with the underplate, then the top shell, tear off the lungs, split the crab in half and then go to town.

Properly steamed crabs are covered in an Old Bay-style of seasoning. Magothy Seafood makes their own and it's pretty good. Salty, peppery and perfect for both the crabs and shrimp. Hardcore enthusiasts insist on steaming their crabs over beer. Strange, coffee-centric guys are experimenting with steaming their crabs over coffee, but I won't say whom...


Sweet corn on the cob

There's something missing if you spend your summer in Maryland and don't spend part of it leisurely sprawled out on a deck eating crabs all day. Eating crabs is not for the famished. You should be hungry, but not starving. Ripping, tearing and beating your crabs takes time. It's not a smorgasbord of eating. That's why you order a bunch of side dishes. A little ripping and tearing, a hush puppy. More tearing and digging, a bit of corn. Still more tearing and just pop a fried oyster in the mouth. It's a great way to enjoy a diversity of what was once the bounty of the Chesapeake Bay.

Considering this method of eating, it's not surprising that it literally takes hours to complete a meal. At first, one is tempted to think that a mere dozen crabs is not enough. But as you slowly graze through the meal and the side dishes, you realize that yes, it is just enough and maybe it's one crab too many for two people - especially when your agenda doesn't stop there.


Magothy Seafood Crab Deck & Tiki Bar
700 Mill Creek Rd
Arnold, MD 21012-1128
410-647-5793

Ticketing Secrets

I don't know if you've been traveling much lately, but I have. And the fares have been skyrocketing. In fact, my upcoming trip to Hawaii is costing more than any other trip. More than Europe. More than Asia. And certainly more than Mexico.

But most of my trips are on United, an airline that just gives me the total fare. I gripe. I bitch. I moan. I threaten that I'm going to fly Southwest. But, in the end, I pay - and give up all the "amenities" like comfort, drinks, meals, and checked baggage that used to come along with cheaper fares.

I mean, they don't even give you peanuts any more. Peanuts, for God's Sake.

On September 1st, I'll be jetting down to Mexico City and flying US Airways. They're a Star Alliance partner which means I can accrue United miles (a major factor nowadays). Plus, they're cheaper than United.

For example, the exact same itinerary purchased through United.com will cost me $760.00 roundtrip. And I mean exact. The same planes, the same routing, the same flights - all on US Airways code sharing with United. It's the same trip and it costs two hundred dollars more.

And I can't figure out why.

Meanwhile, on USAirways.com they offer what looks like very cheap rates to Mexico City. At first, you think you're going to Mexico City for $393.00 roundtrip. It's only when you get to the checkout page that they pull back the curtain to reveal the Wizard: government fees and taxes.

BWI to MEX - Fare Basis GH14XC............$196.50
MEX to BWI - Fare Basis GH14XC............$196.50
Total Fare .............................................$393.00

Tax: US International Arrival ................ $ 15.40
Tax: US International Departure ........... $ 15.40
Tax: Mexican Tourist Tax .................... $ 23.20
Fee: US Immigration ............................ $ 7.00
Fee: US Animal & Plant Health Insp ...... $ 5.00
September 11 Security Fee .................. $ 7.50
Fee: US Passenger Facility Charge ....... $ 10.50
MX-DEPARTURE-INTL-73 ................... $ 24.80
Total Per Passenger ............................. $501.80

Wow. Taxes and fees account for 27.6% of the fare. That's a whopping amount of tax and for what? Just what is this "September 11 Security Fee" and what does it pay for? Departure and arrival tax? I thought they wanted us to leave.

All this money in fares, taxes and fees just so that the TSA can hassle you at the airport, racially profile you and take away your peanuts and checked baggage. Sheesh.

The Journey To Judge

I'm wandering around downtown Bel Air, Maryland - a sleepy little town northeast of Baltimore that's hosting the Maryland BBQ Bash, an annual event celebrating smoke, hogs and the proliferation of wheat through beer. Fifty-one teams have gathered to compete for the title and the right to head to the nationals sanctioned by the Kansas City Barbecue Society (KCBS).

It's a beautiful sunny day here and life is good because of it. The crowds have gathered around the few bbq vendors selling ribs, pork and brisket, and the lines are insanely long. So long that I doubt I'll actually eat any barbecue while I'm here. According to one of the signs, the 2007 National Champion is here selling their wares. It would be a "must eat" if the lines weren't so long and moving so slowly.

I've come to the BBQ Bash to sample some barbecue, get a flavor for the community and to grab some pictures of the bbq rigs the "big boys" are using. There's been rustling in the old Ono Grill camp about firing up our smokers once again and hitting the road for Memphis In May, so before that happens, I figured I'd come down and check things out.

Of course, I'm here to snap photos, but my suddenly-not-so-trusty Canon G9's battery decides to die after two pictures. I'm flabbergasted. And pissed. No problem, I think - I've got the handy-dandy iPhone. What's this? I left it in the car???? Fucking hell. That's it. I'm done. No pictures of rigs. Now I have to rely on memory. This does not bode well for Team Ono Grill in May...

Like fanatics in any passionate pursuit, these barbecue guys are true geeks. As I wander amongst the competitors tents, I notice that these guys (and gals) are just as odd, quirky, geeky and focused as the weird barista world I compete in. But while the barista set prefers shaggy hair, tight jeans and a penchant for not showering, the bbq pit guys favor shorts, t-shirts, overnight partying and the unremovable smell of smoke on their bodies. As disconcerting as it may be for some, I somehow feel right at home amongst these guys paying insane amounts of attention to the depth of the smoke ring in their beef brisket.

The competition works like this: on the first day, Friday, the teams arrive and set up their pit sites. The judges inspect their meats to make sure they're in compliance with the rules and the cooking starts. Teams will slow cook their meats all night long while partying all night long. By Saturday morning, the meats are cooked and the teams are, well, baked. It's common knowledge that some teams party so hard on Friday night that they never make it to the judging on Saturday.

Judgment comes Saturday morning as the teams can compete in three categories: chicken, pork and brisket. Starting at 11:30am, the judging goes in waves. Teams have from 11:25 to 11:35am to submit their chicken. Then, at from 12:25 to 12:35pm, they have to submit their pork entry (pulled or ribs or anyway they choose), and finally, from 1:25 to 1:35pm they must submit their brisket entry. Miss those time windows and you're disqualified from that category.

Without knowing any of this, I had the serendipitous pleasure of happening upon the judges tent at 1:20pm, struck up a conversation with one of the supervising judges and got to see the brisket pageant play out. Within ten minutes, representatives from each of the fifty-one teams came forward, styrofoam box in hand, to submit their entry.

Watching them arrive was sheer delight. No matter the size. No matter the build. No matter the experience level. Each representative (or two or three) came holding their box with both hands. I wondered if this was detail was stated in the rules or were they just so paranoid about something happening to their entry that they made sure they were holding onto it for dear life itself. One team setup next to the judges table came around the long way instead of cutting through their backyard because the long way was the path of least resistance. God love these people for their commitment.

Walking along the aisles it was interesting to see the differences between the seasoned and the newbie. Those with lesser experience and commitment had very simple setups while veterans towed large arrays of grills and smokers on their custom-built trailers. Some of these teams had spent upwards of $80,000 on their rigs. Were they serious competitors or just passionate people committed to their lifestyle? I wasn't sure, but they too held their styro boxes with both hands.

Since it was already past one thirty and I hadn't eaten all day, I was starting to feel pretty hungry. I just wasn't going to wait an hour in one of those barbecue lines. Maybe something from the Italian sausage vendor might do, but how lame would it be to go to a bbq event and not eat barbecue? Quite lame indeed.

That's when my luck took a turn for the better. Jerry, the judge supervisor with whom I had been chatting with, invited me to go to the table at the side of the tent and try the competitors' brisket entries.



During the judging, each team submits a numbered styrofoam box. Upon receiving it, the officials replace the original number with a new one to preserve anonymity. These newly numbered boxes are sent in sets of six to the judges table. Six judges sit per table and judge six entries each. The judges base their scores on taste, texture and a slew of other criteria. After the judges have taken their samples, the remainder of the box and its' contents are sent to the side table.

The side table is where you'll find the action. The boxes are laid out randomly and any of the judges (including myself) can taste any or all of the entries. I decided that it was in the interest of my palate and professional development as a food professional that I should sample all of the entries that I could and proceeded to tear off pieces of brisket all the way down the line.

It was a fascinating adventure and wildly educational. So many entries and so many interpretations of what is, essentially, the same dish: beef brisket. As I listened to the other judges hovering around, discussing their findings, I learned a few more things: that brisket always needs to be cut across the grain. Fat needs to be trimmed. Teams that do not follow these essentials will find their entry mocked at the side table. Some of the judges went so far as to fish out the entry with the excess fat to show other judges. Harsh.

In tasting the brisket entries, I found many not to my liking. Most were just too sweet. Some had too much sauce. Others were a bit dry. Texture played an important role. Dryness was a killer. And the right smoke ring made for pleasing visual appeal. Some were bad. Most were so-so. But in tasting them all, one emerged from the pack.

The brisket was beautiful in shape. Just the right curves and a dark ochre crust with a red smoke ring that penetrated about 1/4" into the succulent grey meat. Cut across the grain, the sample was tender and juicy with just the slightest hint of a snap that was faint and ever-fleeting. Sauce was minimal but flavor was pronounced. Smoke, beef, hints of spice and red pepper. It was the standout of all the entries and I certainly hope it won.

In many ways, it was like judging a barista competition or any other competition. Lots of good entries. A few that were outright bad. And one that smoothly emerged above and beyond the rest of the field. I found the experience tasting these barbecues to be revelatory. Not to mention my pleasure in eating a free lunch.

Later, as we were standing under the tent chatting about the entries - actually, I was mostly just keeping my mouth shut and listening, with the occasional question, Jerry asked me if I might be interested in judging. That they would soon be hosting a judges training course in Salisbury and that I should come down and certify - if for nothing else than to just understand what it takes to compete in a KCBS-sanctioned event. I told him that I would love to attend.

So, who knows? You might be seeing me judging your meat somewhere along the 2009 KCBS BBQ Tour...

Grace Garden Again

Sichuan Beef Treasures - beef tongue, tripe and tendon mixed with scallion, peanuts & spicy Sichuan sauce, served chilled.

Many of my friends have this impression that I'm a sociable, outgoing and socially busy person who's never at home and hardly ever in town. That all may be true, but my adventures pale in comparison to my parents - whom I've been trying to take down to Grace Garden for over a month now. At least once a week, I invite them to come with me, but they're constantly busy going out with friends, going out dancing, partying or doing charitable work.

My life is downright lame compared to them.

It makes absolutely no sense for me to go to Grace Garden by myself. I couldn't eat all that I'd want to order and it would become prohibitively expensive for me just to order four dishes. I can only imagine the stares of other customers.


Empress Pork Chop - lightly fried pork chop sauteed with special tomato sauce.

Happily, we made our way down to Odenton for another round of great Chinese cooking - and by my choice, it's the best Chinese in Maryland. I've only been here twice, but the owners know me on sight and give us a big welcome. Considering that I've only been here twice, it's a bit disconcerting but very comfortable to go to places where they know you. Nice.

My usual visits have them choosing the dishes, but this time I've brought Tilly (the authentic Chinese girl) with me to do the ordering. After some careful consideration, she makes some careful choices for a balanced meal of beef, beef, beef, pork and tofu. For a moment, she thinks that we might need a steamed vegetable dish, maybe in lieu of one of the other dishes then decides against it. God bless this woman.

It's more of the same at Grace Garden, and by more of the same I mean: good. In a moment of hunger, I forget my previous resolution to order the Sichuan Treasures after the meal. Without a doubt, this is the best dish in the house. It's bold, it's tasty, it's absolutely delicious. I can't get enough. The problem is that it's such a bold dish that it overpowers everything that comes after - not to mention you've eaten so much of it that the hot peppers have set your mouth ablaze and diminished your palate's ability to discern nuances of flavor.

And every other dish on the menu is about nuances of flavor.


Beef Chow Fun - beef and rice noodles sauteed with soy sauce and bean sprouts.

If you like thin sliced and lightly crisp pork chops, then the Empress Pork Chop will suit you fine. It's covered in a sweet tomato sauce that's not too sweet, though I prefer less sweet, more pork and more vinegar. But then that would no longer be Empress Pork Chops but Pork Chops Filipino Style.

The Beef Chow Fun sported incredibly succulent and tender beef. In fact, the beef was so tender that you could hardly discern the texture from the flat noodles. Wondrous. But while it was skillfully prepared, I thought it lacked punch. It had beautiful color and aroma, but the flavors were flat. It needed more soy sauce. I so wanted to ask them for soy sauce but thought I might offend them, but I bet with a little soy sauce it would have been smashing.


Curry Beef Stew, Hong Kong Style - beef stew slow-cooked with potatoes in Hong Kong style curry sauce.

The Curry Beef Stew was the disappointment of the meal. First off, I didn't realize they had curry in China and the one curry dish I tried at a Chinese carry out was so atrocious I just thought it was a menu aberration for the local clientele. But evidently, they have curry in China.

The curry had nice color and looked tasty. Even the potatoes had been roasted separately giving them a nice texture. The curry had been stewed so long the pieces of beef were just supple and falling apart. I thought the dish lacked punch. It lacked something that I can't put my finger on. Tilly thought it had an off-flavor tasting of liver. I noticed the flavor she mentioned but thought it had more to do with the spice combination.


Home-Style Tofu - tofu sauteed with cabbage, shiitake mushroom & snow peas in hot chili sauce.

Tofu perfection was how Tilly described the tofu. I'm no tofu expert (preferring mine battered, deep fried and coated in hot sauce), so I'll defer to her assessment. According to the Chinese cuisine expert (her family has been in the restaurant business for generations), this was tofu defined: cooked just right on the outside to give it texture while remaining soft and succulent on the inside. Hmmm, it was pretty darn good tofu, to me. Now I know.

Sauteed with an assortment of vegetables, the tofu dish was quite pleasing without the batter. But for me, the shiitake mushrooms that exploded in your mouth with flavor and excruciatingly hot juices were the perfect compliment to the tofu. I ate a lot of that dish.

After three visits, we're really starting to get into the deeper sections of the menu, rather than the popular dishes made famous by other bloggers. While we're finding tasty and interesting dishes, I'm also starting to see that not everything is as stellar as the Tongue, Tripe and Tendon. It's all still very good and better than any Chinese restaurant I've been to in Maryland, but we're gonna have to do more exploration in the near future because I know you expect nothing less...

Grace Garden
1690 Annapolis Road
Odenton, MD 21113
410-672-3581
www,gracegardenchinese.com