Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Unattainable Mistress

That heady bitch in all her glory.

In the hearts of all coffee people, there lies a lust that is either difficult or impossible to satiate. It lies there dormant, in waiting and a source of pain to the person harboring it.

For me, it's the La Marzocco Mistral.

It's a machine of beauty. Sculpted. Angular. Industrial. It's a work of art disguised as a functioning espresso machine. I must have one. To behold. To covet. To cherish. To soothe my ego.

To the uninitiated, it's merely an expensive collage of copper and stainless steel. But it's so much more than that. Within it's sex appeal hides the innards of a GB5 - the most advanced La Marzocco to date. P.I.D. temperature control is just the beginning.

For the record, I love my Linea. I have three. The Linea is the La Marzocco gold standard. Good looks and appealing, the Linea is like your soul mate. Your true confidant. The one you can depend on. The Mistral is like that augmented and sexy blonde you wish was your mistress. High priced, expensive, sexy - a race horse. And did I say expensive? It's the one you secretly lust after while realizing you should never touch.

But how you fantasize about it. Running your fingers along the curvature of the body. Grabbing onto the wings on the side. Locking your portafilter into the group. Twisting it's knob until steam explodes from the wand. Pumping the drip tray up and down until you can't do it anymore.

It's pure barista fantasy...

She looks sexy now, but wait until you have to clean and polish her everyday.

The reality is that you'll burn yourself on the exposed groupheads, you'll tire of constantly wiping, cleaning and polishing the stainless, you'll tire of the tight twist to the steam knob and that movable drip tray will wear out, causing it to remain in a less than ideal position.

In other words, the fantasy will be over because real life would have stepped in, and you'll wish you were back with your old and trusty Linea instead of this high-priced, high-maintenance, hard-to-work-with bitch. Oh yes, you'll tear your hair out and gnash your teeth over what you paid to dump your old flame.

As for me? Perhaps one day I'll be with the ideal girl who will buy me a Mistral of my own. Then I'll have the best of both worlds...