Friday, May 20, 2011

Camping Out

According to Harold Camping, Christian radio rock star, evangelist and foreseer of the Apocalypse, The End Of The World starts tomorrow at sunrise just off the coast of Australia.

From what I've gathered, a series of earthquakes will begin on Kirimati Island and spread across the planet as the sun advances and the planet is shaken. For us East Coasters, expect our earthquake to begin around 6pm.

Approximately 3% (or 200 million) of the world's population will ascend into heaven for The Rapture.

A five month period of pain and suffering will be followed by the actual End Of The World on October 21, 2011.

In other words, it's going to be Bad - with a capital "B".

To help the nation prepare for the Second Coming, Judgement Day and all the terrible things that accompany this event, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have prepared this website. While it may be a bit too late to run out to buy some of the items, at least you can fill your bathtub with water right now.

As for myself, I've got a freezer full of meats, a wood pellet smoker, lots of charcoal and my handy dandy Nerf weapons cache to ensure safety - and I even have a fresh tank of gas in the Land Rover, just in case I need to break for the hills. Which does mean that I fully expect not to be part of that 200 million being sent to Heaven - much to the delight of the former SCAA President and his cronies.

As the earthquakes spread across the planet tomorrow and people start ascending into Heaven, make no mistake about it, Mass Hysteria will feature prominently in the news. Expect crying, stamping of feet, cars burning, rioting and general pandemonium. Of course, it should go without saying, Spro Coffee will be open for business as usual.

To Note: the library of Spro Towson may be open, depending on the county government, but if it is, the library also serves as a disaster shelter. Spro Hampden simply doesn't close, operating every day in 2010 except for Thanksgiving (yes, we were open Christmas - yet another reason why I will be excluded from The Rapture).

Another reason why I will be excluded from The Rapture is that I'm secretly hoping that The Rapture isn't just about the poor and downtrodden (who will inherit the Earth). I'm hoping that that rich family with the big house, extensive French wine collection and four car garage were devout Christians because I want to move in. Afterall, if I'm damned and going to be obliterated in five months, I want to live in style. And it would be a sin to leave that Ferrari 599 in their garage forlorn and lonely.

Sadly, 200 million people (from a planet of 4 billion) really isn't a lot of people. But maybe with the hysteria going on, people will stay home and I'll have the roads to myself. Of course, the government will probably impose martial law and I'll be forced to stay home anyway. Remember late September 2001? It will probably be worse. Good thing I have some ribs stashed away in the freezer.

Do I really believe that this will all happen tomorrow? That's silly. Though there is part of me that thinks I should have blown my fortune on hookers and booze, just in case.

Of course, if I walk out of the house tomorrow to see millions of people rising into the Heavens, I'm going to feel pretty darn stupid...