Friday, January 04, 2008

Too Loud To Read

Ever had a day when something occupies your mind to the point that it overshadows everything else? Today has been one of those days. And it's still not over yet.

After last nights' discussion, I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep. I thought I would be overwhelmed. Maybe it's just general fatigue, mental exhaustion or the feeling that I couldn't do any more than I already have, but I slept pretty well considering I don't sleep well at all.

That sleep has led to a full day of a churning mind with thoughts that bang so loudly in my head that I find it difficult to do much anything else. Of course, I did my morning round to see what's missing at The Spro and went to IKEA and Costco on a supply run, but those thoughts were there. How many cases of Vitamin Water? And yes, I did make the right decision. Right....?

The thoughts kept ringing so loudly in my head that I was unable to read The Omnivore's Dilemma or focus on my Enchiladas de Mole at Fiesta Mexicana. There I was, awash in my thoughts and the flavor of the rich Mole in the distant background, undiscernable in the cacophony filling my mind.

In my continuing reflection, I ask myself: Did I do something wrong? Was I untrue to myself? Should I have "played the part"? The answer is: No. I did the right thing. I remained true to myself and what I believed. I kept my intentions and goals clear throughout. I refused to lie and "play the part." That's not what would have been real.

In the end, I'm unhappy, dissatisfied and saddened by the outcome. I hate to lose and while it's not about "winning," I can't help but feel that I'm the one who lost. Perhaps I'm comforted by the fact that I stood my ground and didn't waver from my goals and convictions. That I didn't lie just to "play the part." Comforted? No, it's a shitty deal all the way around.

As much as I would like it to be different, I've been given no other choice than to move on...

1 comment:

Blue Ryder said...

May I kindly ask if you have any regrets? If so, then there is still more to be done. But, if you feel as if what you've done- you've done it without regrets, then, it's a good time to move on...

Chin up, Teddy Bear. Chin up.